I believe that it is in our relationships that most of us really want to be successful, and that sometimes what is missing is not the true desire to make a relationship work, but the skills, understanding, and practice which could repair and restore our relationships. I work with couples using an adult attachment model called Emotion Focused Therapy.
Research shows that emotionally focused interventions have the capacity to shape attachment relationships in ways that “insight” oriented approaches do not. With EFT, the therapy session becomes a secure place where couples can process “hot” material. The function of this process is to “cool down” the destructive cycle of reactivity that so often prevents couples from making contact with one another, and to tease out the hidden places that connected them with each other in the first place.
Once people are able to feel safer, to open up and soften more with each other, they are often more willing to meet each other half way in problem solving. This does not happen without the careful construction of a safe environment, where being vulnerable does not feel threatening or even dangerous.
How long this process takes depends on many things: How motivated is the couple to work things out? How long has the couple been practicing the destructive cycle? How strong is the cycle? Is there a commitment to the process? How much “goodwill” is left in the relationship? Are there competing elements in the relationship such as addiction to a substance or to work, involvement with another person, a serious untreated problem such as depression, emotional or physical abuse? These kinds of factors compete with the security and safety of the couple relationship and must be addressed in order for couples therapy to be successful.
Surprisingly, it is not necessarily how miserable you feel which determines how effective EFT can be. So feeling as if you are ready to leave does not necessarily mean those feelings accurately reflect the capacity of your relationship to heal.
Even with the best intentions and great effort, sometimes the best decision for a couple is to end the relationship. When that is the case, therapy can also help to work through that ending process in a constructive way. I offer divorce counseling and co-parenting therapy for couples who reach that conclusion and want to have a mindful and cooperative experience.
Couples Therapy
Lindy Hewitt
Marriage Family Therapist
License #MFC39521,
205 East Third Avenue, San Mateo, CA 94401
(650) 303-6720
Please report any problems you are having with this website to me at lindyhewittmft@gmail.com